Letters from Shaun’s HOA

Dear Professor Valerian,

 Placid Homes Community regulation 94h, subsection 2, clearly states that no livestock may be kept on the premises of any PHC property. Yesterday, two larats were observed in your backyard. This letter serves as your only warning. Remove the larats immediately. Failure to do so or further violations of this kind will result in disciplinary action.

 Sincerely,

Ava Divalawn, PHC Homeowners’ Association President

 

Dear Professor Valerian,

Placid Homes Community regulation 124b, subsection 8, clearly states that residents and their guests must observe a midnight curfew. Last night, several individuals were observed entering and leaving your premises between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m. Not only were they in violation of curfew, but they were people of obviously unsavory character, not in keeping with the family-friendly atmosphere of PHC. Further violations of this kind will result in disciplinary action.

Sincerely,

Ava Divalawn, PHC Homeowners’ Association President

 

Dear Professor Valerian,

I have again received reports of larats in your backyard. Since this is your second offence, you are hereby fined R200, and an additional R50 every day the animals remain on your property. This is payable to the PHC Homeowners’ Association.

Sincerely,

Ava Divalawn, PHC Homeowners’ Association President

 

Dear Professor Valerian,

Placid Homes Community regulation 16a, all subsections, clearly states that no acts of non-domestic magic may be performed on the premises of any PHC property. This morning, approximately two tons of sand appeared in your yard and spilled into the street, completely blocking traffic, and violating subsections of regulations 39, 42, and 88. Due to the gravity of the violation, the PHC Homeowners’ Association is dispensing with your warning and levying a fine of R1000, payable to the Association. Further violations of any kind will meet with severe disciplinary action.

Sincerely,

Ava Divalawn, PHC Homeowners’ Association President

 

Dear Professor Valerian,

Because of continual violations of PHC regulations, you now owe in excess of R2500. However, we will waive these charges if you will just stop breaking rules. I appeal to you as a neighbor—are smelly beasts, disreputable strangers, and explosive magic any way to make A Peaceful Place to Live?

Sincerely begging you,

Ava Divalawn, PHC Homeowers’ Association President